What gives the distance of a goal time and form? It has a beginning and an end. Boundaries. Measurability. This is the inner workings of an achievement. There is always a precise action to fulfill a commitment. When something doesn’t happen, we often say that there is some uncontrollable and/or insolvable issue in the world. Almost certainly this is your reality with your health both mentally and physically if you are living with either of them as a “problem”. A few blogs back I spoke about stories and how those stories keep us safe. If you have been meaning to lose those 10+ pounds for any amount of time and you haven’t yet, guaranteed there is an uncontrollable and/or insolvable issue that you continue to tell yourself which keeps you free of blame, and essentially keeps you safe. Reality- your life is full of options, answers and alternate routes, it’s up to you to choose them. The one thing that gives you your whole life is your total life. You are always inventing a new possibility for being you. Starting today I want you to create a new paradigm of being human. This is the ultimate “no excuses” lifestyle. Your new paradigm of being human is you calling the shots. Picture properly painted: unless you are on a gurney near death, you will find a way to move your body, in the fashion of some exercise, everyday. You WILL choose the apple over the french fry, the salad over the burger, and the water over the soda. You will NOT waste your money on a 30 day workout DVD, a healthy body takes longer than a month no matter how loud they yell at you. You will not count your food in points or in fluid ounces, and certainly you will never prelude any meal with a pill. Your new paradigm is to GET REAL. BECOME RESPONSIBLE. And TAKE CONTROL. Given what is important to you, that is what you get to be and create.
[A person who is the master in the art of living, makes little distinction between their work and their play. Their labor and their leisure. Their mind and their body. Their education and their recreation. Their love and their religion. They hardly know which is which and simply pursue their vision of excellence and grace. Whatever they do. Leaving others to decide whether they are working or playing. To them, they are always doing both.]
Who are YOU that your reality IS?When who you are IS something, it gives you an unrealistic relationship with that thing. When who you are IS overweight– as when you are IS something– your behavior is in an automatic dance with that something. Example: When who we are is something, we establish this sort of primitive connection to reality. ie. The glass door is clear so we walk into it because we can see through it. Who we are is there is no door, so our action is a match for that. As far as you are concerned you are sitting still reading this blog right now, but really you are hurdling in space around the sun at thousands of miles per hour. Our mind isn’t always completely logical or even honest with us for that matter. When who you see yourself to be is directly correlated to something you have, like anger or even weight, everything you do and everything you experience will be in direct connection to that. Your weight for example, will also become the loudest part of your identity and personality; it will be what you think of first when you wake up and last before you go to sleep. Instead of being human, you become a number, a pant size, a surplus of whatever you think you have too much of. So how do you get out of this way of thinking? Transformation begins at the level of personal. It doesn’t begin with a diet, a book, a dvd, or a pill. Your dreams automatically get shut down when you look for a saving source; something outside of you for the desire for change. The need for any type of change is self diagnosed, and self cured. The best place to start is to distinguish the image of what you think you are, to what you really are. Put your wants and desires for life before the complaints that you have currently. Distinguishing your weight and what you don’t like about it as something separate from the actions you take to make it what you want. In taking action against what you wish to change, you automatically get to be that person…instantly.
Decisions. Choices. Meanings. Stories. Blame. Fear. Anger. This is the inner workings of the machine that is YOU. Humans are full of “one or the others’. Full of stories about our past. Why someone said something, how it made us feel, what it made us do, all the things we can’t do now because this and that happened and you can’t fix it because it was followed by that event… Sound familiar? This involuntary thought process is the accelerator for most if not all problems we face everyday. It’s what leads to emotional eating, procrastination, addiction, divorce, self sabotage and reality television. In [real] REALITY, things just happen. It is us, complicated and fascinating, that make the stories that go with it all. Instead of living in a world of simple facts, events, and leaving the past where it belongs; we perceive it, connect it to any number of emotions, and make it fact. Each time something happens that is relevant to the story, we take it on as evidence that our story, based on emotion, is what actually happened. Everyone around you is doing this, therefore, no one is ever looking at anything the same way, ever. What we are all trying to do is protect ourselves. The more stories we have, the safer we are. Think about it. We never have to take responsibility because we can keep ourselves from being wrong, bad, dominated, and at fault. We ALWAYS end up as the victim in our stories. We ALWAYS GET TO BE RIGHT. I love being right. I think out of everything the world has to offer, being right is totally my favorite. I want to be right because it proves against a story I have in my past. Every time something happens or someone does something, I get to throw a big juicy piece of evidence in this truck of stories that I have been driving around my whole life. More proof that I am in fact… right about EVERY THING. This becomes incredibly convenient when you are in a relationship. Or at a work place where you are not the boss. Or on a diet. Parents are a great place to find evidence. What ends up happening here is we become slaves to our stories. Everyone and everything around us becomes apart of it and nothing is ever real. A new relationship is never new, its just an extension of the handful you’ve had before. In fact, the more relationships you’ve HAD the worse they GET, because the story just gets bigger and YOU KEEP TELLING IT. With every crash diet you do, that doesn’t work because they are not designed to, you add another piece of PROOF that you are going to be fat forever. So. I have a challenge. Start thinking. Realize that in life things just happen. That’s all. Things happen because they happen, no reason. No story. A lot of people deal with some major stuff and this can be difficult. Abusive parents, rape, death, abuse in relationships. Through these experiences we build stories about them, keeping the events alive and essentially search for other tools to cope. We torture ourselves and the people around us, all for something we are powerless to change. I am not trying negate the power of an experience, what I am trying to convey is the power of YOU as a human being. The power of choice and decision. To recognize the voice in your head that tells you that because your parents didn’t show you adequate love or god forbid were abusive, that now and forever you aren’t worth love from anyone. The latter is a choice YOU make and can be over ridden at any moment. The best news is two fold: 1. Nothing bad that has happened is happening NOW. 2. You can be brilliant, perfect, and effective in life in lieu of anything that happens to you There is so much opportunity for an amazing life, regardless of what has happened to you in the past that you equate to what makes you YOU. You can transform the way you think at any moment. If you want to lose weight, do it. Let go of the reasons and events that you have gathered as to why you shouldn’t, can’t or won’t. We come up with reasons not to based on our stories and everything you are afraid of. Fear keeps us away from so much. When you think about how much you miss out on because of fear, it will nauseate you. Fear that your partner will leave you, that you’ll lose your job, that people wont like you, that you wont look good, or that your kids will turn out to ax murderers. None of those stories matter because you are powerless against them. Start now, as this right here can be a perfect moment if you make it. You are you, perfect in every way.
Oprah… has a way of nailing things right on the head. I don’t know if it’s all those quiet private plane rides from Chicago to Santa Barbara and back, but the lady has one seriously charged thinking cap. The other day Her Lady O had the Author of “Women, Food and God” on to speak about her book, and how it is changing so many lives. After Oprah put her golden tear of approval on the 211 page weight loss bible, women of the audience and readers of the book shared their stories via home video and in studio testimony. I of course had an Oprah ‘ah ha’ moment, and impulsively squealed my “AH HA”, out loud. Luckily, myself and 2 dogs were the only ones in the room. My ‘ah ha’ moment came when a woman was talking about her 11 year old daughter. She overheard her daughter make a comment about her thighs, and how she was fat. Two things are important here, both of which Oprah beat me in identifying. One, children are our best mirrors. What we identify ourselves as is amplified by our kids. I don’t have children, but as someones child, I’ve realized that as I’ve gotten older, a lot of my issues are a reduced version of my parents. I exhibit my fathers self inflicted pressure to succeed, my mothers desire to make others feel happy at any cost even to myself. We identify with our parents identities because for such a huge portion of our developing lives, they are what we know to be true. In this woman’s case, she always struggled with weight, was vocal about it, hereby her daughter adapted the behavior and the identity of ‘fat’ most likely before she even knew what ‘fat’ was. Now, as a pre-teen, she stands staring in the mirror verbally assaulting herself about her appearance. Whether the child is over weight or not clearly isn’t the issue. The issue here is important point number two… In one of my earlier blogs I talk about disapproval. Just like anything, when we practice something we naturally become better at it. When we practice disapproval of ourselves or others, it becomes apart of who we are. We are all born perfect beings, so an identity of such self hatred could only be taught, even inadvertently. My point, the daughter has learned by observation that this is how her mother speaks to herself, however when the mother hears her daughter exhibit the same behavior, she is in shock and awe. Why? Because she’s a child. Most if not all emotional issues start in childhood, what changes as we get older is the way we treat ourselves about them as our environments change. We become more cruel and explicit in our remarks to ourselves. Remarks of course that no one would make to a child. This woman, realizing this, walks into the room with her daughter and through positive and gentle affirmation, attempts to reinforce her daughters self esteem, self worth, and image. Speaking to her as she is, a child. But aren’t we all? If our emotional issues begin in childhood, than in those issues, aren’t we always going to be children? What’s to change is how we treat ourselves. Begin today by treating yourself a little better. When an insecurity arises, talk to yourself as if you were a child. Be an advocate for your own healing. Stick up for yourself, against yourself. Be your own vigilante versus your own bully.
The plural of human beings by virtue made us not a singular. Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran says of children: “They come through you but are not from you” Our biggest obstacles in life can come from our relationship with our parents. For women, our mothers are such a force in how we see the world. The relationship between mother & daughter is the most dynamic on the planet. It can be the shadows of all shadows and the platform for greatness all at the same time. As I get older, my mom gets older, her mom gets older… Our relationships with each other transform so much. My mother is a much different mother than her mother. My mom and I have moved from being a unit but still separate to becoming equals in life, invested in each other happiness and success, rather than mother energy sent to child-child receiving. I think when we as women get to this point with our mothers, it’s when we appreciate our ability to be mothers ourselves. Life is incredibly cyclical. Everything leaves and comes back around in sometimes the most ironic and serendipitous ways. A fundamental element to living is being able to receive what we are given, maximize our blessings, and manage our shortcomings. A big part of life is being independent, but the rest is really how we manage and nurture our relationships. Without people, you don’t get to be anyplace. Women- take a moment today to really appreciate your girlfriends. You may have a significant other, but I’m willing to bet that most women will say that their best girlfriend is her soulmate. “For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves the bow that is stable.”
One wonders why he is clumsy while walking forward with his head turned backwards. Our world gets it’s volume and depth by the people we have in it. If people aren’t there we don’t get to be anyplace. The plural of human beings by virtue made us not a singular. The give and take of human relationships are always the hardest. Finding that epic balance where no power is lost for either human, and where the capacity to see something, anything, can cause breakthroughs in each persons performance as a human being. Really it boils down to five things: 1. Commitment. 2. Integrity. 3. Agreement 4. Listening 5. Receiving. Commitment- Your commitment to show up. A commitment to creating workability in your world as well as your relationships. It starts at the personal and works it’s way out, not the other way around. Ironic how some can stand for so much- world peace, hunger, cancer, AIDS, whale migration- yet they come home and tell their partner to shut up. There has to be a commitment to show up on all levels. Integrity- Life becomes non-linear when you focus on real integrity. You have more space to live in when you aren’t focused so much on integrity being a morality issue. Integrity doesn’t just mean telling the truth, it can mean everything from being on time, to taking out the trash, to keeping yourself healthy. Agreement- The most consistent things in your life right now are created solely out of an agreement. The consensus of an agreement can make anything a reality. From whispering in a library to the days of the week. There really is no Sunday-Saturday, it’s just something human beings have agreed upon to keep track of things, and keep things in order. Think about the smooth reality you could create if you came to similar agreements in your relationships. Listening- The size of our life is a function of how much we are listened to, and how much we listen. The biggest problems can be solved, simply by listening. When you make someone feel known, respected, and heard, you are facilitating that epic balance of power between two people. Receiving- If you have ever taken an economics class you’ll be familiar with Milton Freidman’s adage “there is no free lunch.” We are conditioned that everything comes with a price. Lunch, friendship, love, happiness. In many cases things are a give and receive, but there are moments in where it isn’t so. A hard one for me, COMPLIMENTS. I can’t take a compliment, I have to give one back.”Cassandra I love your hair.” “Why thank you I love your…shoes. Iloveyourshoes!” I may not even mean it, it’s pathetic! Hands down, it’s always a symbol for something greater. Imagine the level that your relationships could go to if you were able to 100% receive the free goodness and abundance that they were giving you. Start today. Take out the trash, listen to someone, start your commitments with yourself, and say thank you to a compliment.